The Culprits Of Chagrin

I wrote this short poem today in my frustration regarding finals. Go figure. Thinking about the neon signs of frustration branded across everyone's foreheads, the marks of nervousness and anxiety evident in each person's mood, and each and everyone's clear yearning to be home with family and friends--it has all made me realize something we're all forgetting... God's goodness, even in chaos. I hope this is a little encouraging.

(I also received a letter from my dear friend Allison today, in which was enclosed an index card with a passage from Psalm 62. This was part of my inspiration as well.)

Only a few more days friends. We can make it. :)


Today, anxieties tickle our doorsteps.
They rap with an agonizing impatience.
And our eyes clamp tightly with a grimace.
But we will not let them in.
We remain quiet. Still. 
And we continue on.

The culprits of chagrin have found us.
Their fingernails claw at our doors
with a yearning to enter. 
But we will not let them in. 
We remain quiet. Still. 
And we continue on.

As worry fevers our minds,
frustration escapes our hearts.
Our emotions ebb and flow,
and disaster does it's best to writhe it's way in.
But we will not let it in.
We remain quiet. Still.
And we continue on.

The delirium and confusion rage.
But somehow we have found peace.
Can it be so? 
Oh Lord, our God it is you.
Oh our soul's glory, it is You.
You are our rock.
Your peace and joy
delight our hearts.
And we will let them in.
But we remain quiet. Still.
And in silence we continue on.
For our hope is from You.

A Short Break From Mental Torture

I've taken a five minute break from studying for tomorrow's finals. And I'm taking the opportunity to answer this bunch of questions. Fun or not, it's better than the endless mental torture I've been suffering...

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate?

Well, I've never been a huge egg nog fan, but it might be about time for me to give it another chance.
However, currently dark hot chocolate is my favorite. :)

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?

What's a present if it's not wrapped?

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?

I think white lights make a tree so much more elegant. And give ornaments a brighter glow. But I love colored lights all the same.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?

Me? I don't hang it personally. Haha, maybe in the future...

5. When do you put your decorations up?

Well, college has changed things a little bit, but our decorations generally go up soon after Thanksgiving.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?

Mashed Potatoes. Or pie. I love pie.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? Singing "Silent Night" by candlelight with our entire church on Christmas Eve. Sitting alone late that same night just staring in wonder at the magical lights on the Christmas tree. Falling asleep on the couch by the tree and crackling fireplace. Waking up on Christmas morning with a fresh, sparkling blanket of white snow covering every inch of my world. The tense excitement sitting through breakfast with family and waiting impatiently to rip open presents. Smelling the snow and pine trees outside. Sledding. And last but not least, f-a-m-i-l-y together.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?

I don't remember ever not knowing. But I pretended he was real just the same. It was too much fun.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?

Heavens no.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?

Nine feet of green. Any lights we can find. And the wondrous conglomeration of ornaments we've collected over the years. Decorating the tree, combined with great holiday music is probably my favorite pre-Christmas activity.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?

I'm from Chicago. Seven months of it during the year and I should hate it, but it's impossible. I love it. Every bit. (Even awful slush.)

12. Can you ice skate?

Mmhmm.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Honestly, I don't. But Christmas is no longer presents to me.

14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you?

Family. Peace. Love. But ultimately it begins with a manger...

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?

My grandma's sugar cookies.Or a Sara Lee fruit pie with vanilla icecream.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?

I'm not sure. I guess just having family over for the holidays and spending quality time together. Usually "tradition" lies in going to the Christmas Eve candlelight service together, staying up late having wonderfully deep conversations with one another, waking up and having Christmas breakfast, opening presents, having more wonderful conversations, preparing and eating Christmas dinner, then watching funny movies together into the evening by a toasty fire. :)

17. What tops your tree?

An angel. It's been the same angel as far back as I can remember.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?

I love giving. I wish I had more to give. Lacking the money to give good presents peeves me.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song?

I love traditional Christmas carols. Especially "O Little Town of Bethlehem," "What Child Is This?" and "The Friendly Beasts." Among my other favorites are "Babe In The Straw" by Leigh Nash, "Jingle Bells" by Frank Sinatra, and "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee. I also love Amy Grant's and Michael W. Smith's Christmas albums. I listen to them over and over during the holidays.

20. What is your favorite Christmas movie?

I'm easy to please when it comes to Christmas movies. A few of my favorites? Probably White Christmas, Elf, and A Charlie Brown Christmas. Among so many others.

21 Favorite Christmas show?

Huh?

22. Saddest Christmas song?

Probably "The Christmas Shoes." As cheesy as it is...

Celebrating More Than Tastefully Decorated Cookies

The Glory To Be Revealed Within Me

Today I sat reading and reflecting on one of my favorite chapters of the bible, Romans 8 (I've italicized the verses that have spoken to be the most). Oh, what I have forgotten about my God. That he is good. Loving. Gracious. Gentle. Just. Soverign. Great.

I still need the reminder that I am small. Oh Lord, keep me humble.

Life Through the Spirit

¹Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ²because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. ³For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, ⁴in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.  ⁵Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; ⁷the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. ⁸Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
 ⁹You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. ¹⁰But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. ¹¹And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.
 ¹²Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. ¹³For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, ¹⁴because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. ¹⁵For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." ¹⁶The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. ¹⁷Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Future Glory

 ¹⁸I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. ²⁰For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.  ²²We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? ²⁵But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
 ²⁶In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. ²⁷And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

More Than Conquerors

 ²⁸And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.  ³¹What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³²He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶As it is written:

   "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What I Never Gave

I wasn't there.
And I know it wasn't my absence that cut you.
But rather the daunting tangibility of my neglect.
I never tried to be a friend.
I never tried. 
Oh the pain of realization.
Grief seared black upon my soul.
Somewhere along the path I forgot how to be
sincere.
I forgot about the heart.
And that mine does not beat alone.
Can I take it back
--what I never gave?
Instead of extending
my disregard?
I remember my heart's
ache to be with you. 
But looking back,
I never tried.
I'm sorry.

The Hard Way

I am accustomed to this bitter taste now.

Somewhere I feel I'm still holding on.
I've never had to let a friend go.
Before.
You seem lost to me now.
But memories come as a flood.
I wish I could change everything back with two words.
Would two words do it?
Could they?
I'm sorry. 





How is it the memories
of mistakes we've made
escape some days?
But oh when they come,
They cut deeper than the wounds
We first inflicted.
They make us learn
The hard way.
Oh, the hard way.

We wish we had been different.
Well we are different now.
Starting over is a lot to ask for,
With memories flowing through our veins.
Memories like venom.
And we long for time to turn its heel,
So we can do things right.
But we can't.

We can turn our heads in retrospect,
But we can only go from here.

More Footnotes

To anyone who's wondering--I wasn't finished earlier. I have more footnotes. And I'll probably think up more after I post these too. Lucky you. Haha.

6. I believe that every man should write a poem for his wife. Or a song. No matter how awful he thinks it is. And it may just be my opinion, but I think that's one of the most romantic things ever. No matter how cheesy it may seem. That's all. :)

7. I have decided that I will not let myself be a grumpy and irritating old woman. I will be perfectly happy, even with sagging arms and wrinkles up the whazoo. Believe me, I'm gonna have fun.

8. I think pretzels may very well be one of the best foods on God's green earth. In any way shape or form (unless there's some gross manner in which they can be prepared that I am blindly unaware of) doesn't change the fact that they are simply amazing. The end.

9. I've developed a recent obsession with scarves. Didn't realize how phenomenal they truly are. And I felt the need to point that out.

10. My roommate just informed me of her great yearning to paint again. Well, amen sister.

Footnotes Of Sorts

Today I have decided upon a number of things.

1. One of my aims in life: to make my future home look as neat, tidy, and inspiring as the one's you find in an IKEA catalog. Yes, it's a quite irrational goal, but I can still dream.

2. I want to own a dog. A rather big dog (or perhaps moderately sized). One that doesn't smell awful (or that I can at least tolerate). And one that will lick my face to wake me up in the morning. Which would also require decent smelling breath. I'm asking a lot of a dog. I suppose this wish is a little more practical, but still somewhat futile.

3. I will never never never ever ever become a pack rat. I am far too obsessive compulsive. It's true. I clean out my closet a minimum of once a year and throw/give away anything that I never use, or that I know I never will. I am no friend of clutter.

4. Books are simply wonderful. If I could spend my money on any one thing it would be books. And furthermore what is fabulous--it would be no waste of money. Reckless? Yes. Rash? Of course! Stupid? Well, no. I can't say that is is. Books are simply wonderful, and there's nothing else to it. I can't wait to have my own library of them. :)

5.  I have come to the conclusion that I do, in fact, miss snow. It sounds like a bunch of huey--I know--coming from a northern girl, but it's true. I can't take this one-inch-at-a-time stuff. I need feet, people! I think hearing from people who have never had a white Christmas has truly saddened me and makes me appreciate all that my home brings. Although I have to clarify--as much as I love snow during winter, I believe no winter should last longer than 5 months. Once it reaches that milestone and goes beyond, it's pretty much ridiculous.

Don't Be Far Away Tonight

Maybe those reading have noticed--that when I'm exhausted, and my brain can't pump out anything productive, I result to song lyrics. (1) Because many times the lyrics already express perfectly what I'm feeling, and (2) BECAUSE I'M EXHAUSTED.

I think I've actually already posted these lyrics in the past. But I needed them now. And I'm grateful that God used them to comfort me all over again.

"Freedom comes in the morning time,
as the sun begins to shine on my face.
And even in the dark I'm not alone.
You guide me by the hand.
You won't let go.
And I know you'll carry me when I can't walk.

And you can shake the mountains with a whisper.
And you, you speak,
and I fall at your feet again.

You burned the chains off of my feet
that held me to the ground.
You let me rise.
Don't ever let me come back down,
or even live a day apart from you.
'Cause you lifted me higher than my doubts and fears.

And you can shake the mountains with a whisper.
And you, you speak,
and I fall at your feet.
And you are so beautiful.
And I am so in love with you.
You, you lead and I will follow close behind.

Now I'm waiting here for you,
and don't be far away tonight.
Lead me to the place where I can go and find rest
'Cause I'm so tired.
And now let me feel your breath on my face.

And you can shake the mountains with a whisper.
And you, you speak,
and I fall at your feet.
And you are so beautiful.
And I am so in love with you.
You, you lead and I will follow close behind."

Nineteen Ninety Four

I love having a twin brother.

And I wouldn't change it for the world.

The Gift Of Silence

This year has been a hard year. And I know the following photo has absolutely nothing to do with the Christmas season. But it's harboring a blog post that's been aching in my mind for a while.

In April of this year, I came across this road. It was very early in the morning on a somewhat overcast day. The skies were still deciding on a shade of blue. And I had a little time on my hands. So I let my tires tread down roads I'd never been. While singing my heart out on my peaceful drive, I turned in my thoughtful trance to my right, just in time to see this road escape my view. My heart spun. I stopped the car and turned around. It was paralyzing, the feeling I felt. And even my photo did not capture the serenity I felt as I rolled down the bumpy dirt path. Over the hill to my right was a simple farmhouse, peppered with tawny brown bricks. And down the hill from it, a crimson barn, which seemed to sway to and fro with the lush grass that cleaved to it's frame. Both structures lay neatly accentuated by the brilliant sunrise. A little further on my left, bordered by flawless wrought iron fences, lay a cemetery, still sparkling in the morning dew.

I stopped the car and burst into tears. I still remember the song that was playing. Leigh Nash's "Just A Little."

The details of my week will remain ambiguous, but needless to say, God had chosen the perfect moment to bless me with a few moments of peace, quiet, and true tranquility. And he had brought me to a place of genuine comfort. I reveled in his gift of silence.

I still go back to the road sometimes. I've had a few car rides driving home in tears, overwhelmed by God's goodness, his protection, his peace, his grace, his mercy, his faithfulness, and his love, his love that leaves me speechless.

Neighbors

Two makes a couple.
She was a couple before.
This is her second try.
But this time is no easier.
He is kind. Sweet.
But uninvolved.
Indifferent.
And she is raising a couple.
Her daughter has made her
a grandparent.
Their house is painted with
a facade of optimism.
But within lies a family divided,
In despair.
Dissonance.


Two makes a couple.
She, with two jobs,
aching for retirement
--distant but in sight.
He, waning quickly with age.  
Parkinson's.
But the nights are peaceful for them.
Their home is not cold.
They meet their challenges with patience.
Perseverance.


Two makes a couple.
Young grandparents.
Two lawn chairs resting on the drive.
Ah, with levity. With mirth,
They observe the world's hustle and bustle.
They watch it with pleasure,
Reveling in it's simplicity.
And anticipating the grandchildren that reside across the street.
For them, neighbor and family are one.
As it should perhaps always be.
Harmony.


Two makes a couple.
A lifetime has gone by.
But they are still newlyweds.
Senescence wears hard.
Unhurried are the days.
They are quiet.
Tranquil.
An ambulance comes.
No breath escapes her lungs.
She suffocates in wait.
But softly come sweet words to her ears.
Not yet, she says. Not yet.
And soon they are two again.
Unified.

This poem all started with one photo.
The house across the street.
For some reason seeing it made me want to write about the people on my street.
It's a very bittersweet poem to me.

Where Did It Go?

It's December first. H-O-L-Y C-O-W. What happened? Where has this year gone? Unbelievable.
I was going to copycat my dear friend Brian. He is taking a new holiday photo every day until Christmas (so excited!). Instead I plan on continuing to share some pictures I've already taken. This may possibly, just... maybe... have something to do with the fact that my camera battery is dead, and the day is almost done, so my chance for a photo is... nearly... g-o-n-e.

Plus, as an additional excuse, I would like to add this...

The south hasn't exactly shown me the "winter" that I'm used to, so I'm not sure how festive my photos would be if I did take any new ones. However, I'll try to throw in a few new ones here and there. :)

Since today marks the first day of the last month of the year, I'll start with a festive photo from last year. :)
I'm away at college, which unfortunately means, my Christmas tree did not go up on the December first this year. I'm missing the majority of the decorating. But I'll get to help put up the tree when I get back to the snowy bitterly cold midwest. Yessss. Here's my lovely {fake} Christmas beauty. The photograph is a little blurry. But my heart still skips a beat when I see it. I can't wait to be home. :)