Today was one of those days. One of those days when you stop running. And you realize you've been running so long you've forgotten what you're running from. And you look behind you, and before you know it, emotions have caught up with you. And then everything, every piece of everything you ever held on to, becomes overwhelming and frightening. Like it's all wrong. You thought everything fit, but now it's fallen apart, and you don't even know where to start to picking up the pieces. You're so broken you don't know how to heal.
Perhaps you've been running, against the wind, bitten by fear and scared to look back. When the Lord pursues you, it can be frightening, and everything in you says "don't look back." You're traveling down the lonely road, because you've decided you could take everything upon yourself with ease. Pretending that being in control of your own life would be best, and that God need only be there for your disposal. You want to be "big" for a change.
Sooner or later, you'll figure it out. That God will pursue you until your feet are ragged from running away from him, whether you're looking back or not. He won't stop. And his pursuit is in love--to show us that when we do make mistakes, when we stumble and fall, he hasn't forgotten us. He is ready to forgive our sins, and pick us up and hold us close. It's at those points, when we see how ragged our feet are, that we realize our need to stop running, and cling to our heavenly Father. In his unconditional love.
And perhaps what we forget the most is that His pursuit is constant. We can never fall beyond where he can reach us. And we are always in His hands.
Today marks the second to last day of fall break. Like the rest of the semester, it's gone by too fast. Four days ago, I got a letter from a friend. This letter contained a list of things to accomplish over my break, since I was staying at Covenant while all the people around me were headed back to home sweet home. "Okay," I said. "I can do this." And so it began. Some things were easy for me--taking a photo every day, spending quality time with my brother, watching movies. Then came number four: write lots of poems.
I spent a handful of lonely nights sitting on my futon trying to pull ideas from every corner of my imagination. Nothing. I was confused. The few weeks before, ideas flowed out of my head like water from a fountain, and now my fountain had run dry. Finally, yesterday, at 2:00am, I sat down and stared at my blank computer screen. Then I typed slowly: "Write a poem."
I looked at it puzzled for a moment. And then thoughts started to flow again. My inspiration had come from something I would never have thought of--my lack of inspiration. Was it possible?
Even if it wasn't, I kept going with the flow.
As I wrote out the words, all I could think about was the friends that I missed--not just from Covenant, but also back home. The lack of everyone around me made me crumble into the loneliness of reality.
By now, it was 3:00am, and my words were finally a complete trove of feelings. At that moment, a song came on: Hello Seattle (Remix) by Owl City. I would have thought nothing of it at any other time, but this timing happened to be perfect. As the last words flowed from my head, the piano melody began. And I sat in awe, as the melody playing began to match each word from my poem.
It was 3:30am, but for the next hour, I worked on putting my words to the music and making a video. I finished it at 4:45am. I was too excited for words as I put it on youtube, and even texted a few friends to share my excitement. For me, this was the climax of my hard work, and I was praying that my friends would find the same excitement as they listened to it the following morning.
I went to bed praying that they would realize the depth and meaning that I had given each word.
Morning came, and I awoke to find several encouraging comments on my video. I was relieved to find that I what I had intended to make meaningful and deep had come across exactly that way.
Here is the video:
And here is the poem:
"Write a poem."
"It wouldn't be so hard," she said.
"But I've lost my inspiration."
"They're all gone. All of them.
And now the grass no longer has any color.
The skies, no birds.
The sun and his golden rays are here.
I see them.
But his warmth is so distant, so far away.
The symphony of the mountain is now gone.
It is but an empty staff.
And I am only one note.
I cannot make a melody alone.
So I await their return."
These lyrics have been my prayer and song lately. They have helped bring me back to the Lord. Throughout life's complications and all the struggles that I go through, even when the sky is falling, I can rest in the knowledge that my Savior is sovereign and that he is where he has always been. And he cares for me constantly.
"Lord, You know how much I want to know so much in the way of answers and explanations. I have cried and prayed
and still I seem to stay in the middle of life’s complications.
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind,
but now it’s brought me back to You and I can see again.
This is everything I want, this is everything I need.
I want this to be my one consuming passion!
Everything my heart desires, Lord, I want it all to be for You!
Jesus, be my magnificent obsession!
So capture my heart again. Take me to depths I’ve never been.
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy.
Return me to the cross and let me be completely lost
in the wonder of the love that You’ve shown me.
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things.
Let all my dreams fall to the ground until this one remains.
You are everything I want, You are everything I need.
I want You to be my one consuming passion!
Everything my heart desires, Lord, I want it all to be for You!
I want it all to be for You!
You are everything I want and You are everything I need!
Lord, You are all my heart desires. You are everything to me!"
What pride can a man have if he gives up fighting before the moment it kills him? With every breath we have, we must never relent, or we are doomed to fail. We will get tired, we will feel agonizing pain, and we may come to the brink of death, but doesn't that make the conquest so much more satisfying? A triumph worth coming to the brink of death for is certainly worth dying for.
"I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of. For to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest and most precious thing in all thinking."
--George MacDonald
