Twue Wove Wiw Fowow You Fowever

By now, I think most people are probably aware of this book—“I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Josh Harris. I've had many people share with me their thoughts, negative and positive, about it, so I finally decided to read it myself and form my own personal opinion. I've summed up what I agree with in this book, which is what I'm sharing with you. I've made it as brief as I can, and hopefully emphasized well what I feel are the most important topics. I am not saying in any way that I follow these “principles” perfectly! Feel free to share your thoughts on each topic, but know that I'm not stating fact, I'm just stating my opinion. Here goes...


Smart Love
What is smart love? Paul tells us that smart love is learning to love appropriately: “Use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush.” Unless you are ready for long term commitment, you shouldn't pursue any romantic relationship. For me, if I put off romance before God tells me I'm ready for it, I can better serve guys as friends, and I can remain free to keep my focus on the Lord. Smart love goes beyond what I want personally, and any in-the-moment gratification. Having smart love means trusting in God's plan for my life, and that definitely includes romance.

Commitment
Why get close to another person if there's no major hint of long-term commitment? I'm in agreement with Harris: when you deepen intimacy without defining a level of commitment, it is just plain dangerous. When you invite intimacy in without also inviting commitment, you're asking for desires that can't be met. Everyone should probably have figured out by now that a physical relationship doesn't equal love. So how do we look at romance? There are a few necessary attitudes we should have. First off, every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ's love. Practice God's love the way He defines it, being sincere and selfless. Secondly, consider being unmarried for now a gift from God. Being single means you have the opportunity to explore the world, and study freely. It'll be the only time like that you'll have in your life. Intimacy is the reward of commitment--you don't need to pursue a romantic relationship before you're ready for marriage. If you can't commit to each other, then you shouldn't pursue romance. You cannot “own” someone outside of marriage. Until marriage, you have no right to treat as a person as if they belong to you. Avoid situations that could compromise the purity of your body or mind. This is probably the most obvious one, and the one that tends to be reiterated. Don't put yourself in situations that encourage temptation. How is it going to help you if you do?

The Definition of Love
Now, I think we should compare what our definition of love is, to what God's definition—the real definition—is . I can relate to Harris: I am in love with love, but I don't know too much about it. I'm a hopeless romantic sometimes and I've fallen in love with how our world depicts it. We have to learn to see love from God's perspective and understand how much greater it is than worldly love. The world tells us that love is mostly a feeling, but we have to realize that without actions to communicate love, our feelings don't mean anything. God's definition of love is so much different and so much greater! Love is not for self-fulfillment, but for the good of others and the glory of God, and it is not measured by what feelings we have. We control our love, so instead of letting our feelings rule our minds, we need to be wise, selfless, and patient.

Patience
Let's be honest: we want what we want right now. Well, God wants us to appreciate the gifts of the present season of our lives. He wants us to learn the patience and trust necessary to wait for his perfect timing in all things, including love.” I can relate to that impatience. With love, it's difficult to trust God and not wonder if you're going to be single forever, or have to wait half your life for who God wants you to be with. We forget that God is the one who created us, and knows us better than we know ourselves. He has plans for us, and He is a good God. We have to stop trying to control things ourselves and trust in his timing.

Purity
“We esteem it too little and desire it too late.” Can you guess what I'm talking about? Purity. It is the way we live, not just the way we think. We have to actively pursue it not just desire it. We can't just explore what we think our boundaries should be purity-wise. Fighting for purity means we must respect the deep significance of physical intimacy, set our standards too high, and make the purity of others a priority.

A Clean Slate
“When you realize you've made a mistake, the best thing you can do is tear down and start over.” Start off with a clean slate. I'm blessed to have parents that have great wisdom, and who are my teammates, pushing me on. God has also blessed me with the wisdom to know when I need to refocus a relationship. Sometimes it's hard, and can be frustrating, but it also saves a lot of future frustration. Set up protective boundaries, and have people in your life who you can depend on to come to you if they see something that you may be blind to, especially something potentially dangerous.

Just Being Friends
Okay, so the question on everyone's mind--How can you “just be friends” with someone? Those of you reading this who know me, know I've struggled with this. C.S. Lewis says, “We picture lovers face to face, but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead.” We need to understand the difference between friendship and intimacy. “Friendship is about something other than the two people in the relationship; intimacy is about each other.” Also, be inclusive, not exclusive. In other words, don't isolate yourself with just that person. It doesn't mean find a chaperone, or someone just so it looks like you're in a group. Make sure at least a few others are involved. And lastly, if you want to maintain just a friendship with that person, then think about where you are together. Seek opportunities to serve, not to be entertained. You can better get to know someone by serving with them than by sitting in a movie theater next to them not talking at all. “What's our relationship to each other? We're brothers and sisters in Christ. How do we view/treat each other? With honor. And what's the secret to our zeal? Service—side by side for God's glory. Guided by this attitude, being “just friends” can be just plain awesome.”

Guarding Your Heart
Harris calls us the keepers of our hearts. Guarding our hearts means evaluating our hearts' purity by asking God to reveal what is contaminating us, whether it be lust, infatuation, self-pity, or something else. Our work isn't ever finished, that's why it's such a huge responsibility. We have to come to God honestly, and give up the filthy things that live in our heart. In 1 John 3:20 he says: “God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything.” As Harris says, “He will help and sustain us as we trust in Him and faithfully guard our hearts.”

Standards
Standards. Harris tackles the topic in an interesting way, but what stood out to me was this: When we are coming at something at a different angle than others do, it's easy for us to be critical and state our standards proudly. God hates self-righteousness, so we should discuss our standards as humbly as we can, doing our best to avoid an attitude marked by pride. We still need to respect the people who may disagree with the standards we hold. “You don't have to prove someone wrong to do what you know is right,” but you can hope that your example will help lead them to do what is right.

Don't Waste Time
Always have an intolerance for wasted time. Make sure you make the most of every opportunity you have to break bad habits, develop better ones, build character, and even practice practical life skills. Develop the gifts that God has given you while you're still single. Use that time and don't waste it! Using this time prepares you for future seasons of life, and “little is much”—dealing with the little things now means you'll be able to handle bigger responsibilities later in life.


Marriage
We have to understand what God's purpose and plan is for marriage. It is a refining process. Not realizing that marriage is not “unending bliss and personal fulfillment,” then our marriage experience will be somewhat miserable and uncomfortable. Harris quotes Mike Mason:
“Holy matrimony, like other holy orders, was never intended as a comfort station for lazy people....it is a systematic program or deliberate and thoroughgoing self-sacrifice...it is really a drastic course of action...it is a radical step and is not intended for anyone who is not prepared, indeed eager, to surrender his own will and to be wholeheartedly submissive to the will of another.”
As Harris says, “We read the captivating headlines but neglect to read the exacting fine print. Good marriages require work, patience, self-discipline, sacrifice, and submission.”


What Should You Be Looking For?
What qualities to look for? “I try to imagine what [he] will look like when [he] is fifty years old. ....Will something in this [guy's] soul continue to attract me?” We have to have real wisdom in observing and evaluating a person's character. How do they relate to God? That is the defining relationship in their life. Do they strive to please and glorify God? Next, how do they relate to others? Authorities? Do they respect people in authority over them? Parents? “The way he treats his mother is the way he'll treat his wife.” The opposite sex? No one wants to marry a flirt, or someone with a wandering eye. Companions? These people shape who this person is. What is their personal discipline like? How do they use their time? How do they handle money? How do they take care of their body? Do they have an attitude of willing obedience to God? An attitude of humility? An attitude of industriousness? An attitude of contentment and hopefulness? Look for someone who will light candles, and not just curse the darkness. Focus on a person's character and attitude.

From Friendship to Marriage
Principles from friendship to marriage—something that I don't really need at the moment, but that are helpful to know about. (1) Remember your relational responsibilities. You have a responsibility toward your relationship with that person, but also toward the other people around you, and most importantly toward God. (2) Seek deeper friendship first. Get to know the other person better as an individual, and “gain an accurate, unbiased view of [their] true nature. Include them in your real lives, don't drop out of the regular routine to spend time with them. That means with family, friends, and in service and ministry. Avoid expressing romantic love in anyway. Even if you have those feelings and it takes patience to hold them back, it's worth it to wait. (3) Watch, wait, and pray. Wait on God by praying and seek counsel from an older Christian, preferably a parent, mentor, or trusted friend. And ask them to keep you accountable in that relationship. (4) Define the relationship's purpose: pursuing marriage. (5) Honor her parents. “A man ought to show respect for the person responsible for the girl. ....Go the distance to give them the respect they deserve.” (6) Test and build the relationship in real-life settings. “It is a period of principled romance. ....keep interaction within safe boundaries.” (7) Reserve passion for marriage. Like Harris says, “purity is a direction, not a line we suddenly cross by 'going too far'.”

My Own Love Story
Someday I'll have a story to tell. How do I want to look back on my love story? I want to write a love story with my life that I'll feel proud to tell. Overall, I feel almost proud to say that it was much better than I expected. I came at it with many low expectations, but was surprised and glad to find a book that finally explains how Christians should really be living. Regardless of whether you want to “kiss dating goodbye” or just understand more about how you can live a more godly life around the opposite sex, it's a wonderful look at the perspective of living as a Christian in a world that crushes every part of purity. I have taken away dozens of principles from this book that have changed my perspective in a bigger way than I ever imagined.


Any unmarked quotes are taken from "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", by Joshua Harris.