Pardon My Lack Of Eloquence

Sometimes I really have nothing to say, but I go ahead and say it anyway.
Maybe that's a problem. I'm not sure.

My mind has been over innumerable roller coasters the past few weeks and I haven't even had the chance to sort out the thoughts that escaped in the process of flying over each bumpy hill. My head has been so jumbled--it's a struggle for me to think clearly each day and put together my constant to-do list. I think I my poor brain needs a rest. I should sneak a nap (so to speak) on that to-do list somewhere.

I seldom stop to be still. To be quiet. To rest. To just stop in the midst of my days and close my eyes and relax. And to meditate on God's word and his promises. For as a person as impatient, and ambitious, and active as I am, I shouldn't be surprised at how hard that is. But then again, I tend to surprise myself.

It's been a while since I've physically and emotionally ached this much. I am downright tired. So, instead of my offering you my usual advice (that is aside from telling you to take a break every once in a while and not get to the state I'm in), I'm asking for yours.

Yes, I said it.

I need advice, support, inspiration-- any spiritual tidbit that will lift my spirits and get me out of the dry, hot desert I'm in. I'm not looking for a life-changing speech, I just need encouragement.

I apologize for my lack of eloquence.
I'm at a loss for any further words.

Gloomy & Grey

The majority of my day was rather rainy, humid, and dull (at least weather wise). And I've noticed on these gloomy, grey days, my laziness points skyrocket. I woke up and shot out a few emails, worked on my resume, and edited a few photos, then plopped on the sofa with a book. After Tim woke up, our day became a movie marathon. I think we managed to fit in three after our lightning fast library run with Sam. So I'm a wee bit of a couch potato.

I think it's nice to have a lazy day once in a while.

My Day In Photos

It's really humid today. I'm sitting here in between the stages of "hot" and "ready to pass out." So not sure what the state of my mind is, or if it's suffering from the heat at all. I hope not. Today has been an interesting day, which could be summed up by a few things:

A bowl of this.

A nice hot one of these.

A few of these and maybe a little bit of this and this...

After that...this.

And more of this...

Which was more or less like this.

Then, home again to do something more enjoyable: this. :)

Which resulted in lots of these. :)

Now I'm doing this.

Which is making me do this.

That's my day so far. :)

Thoughts Like Socks In A Dryer

I'm making it my aim to write as often as I can.
Who knows if it will benefit me by any means, but I hope it changes your day in some small way.

Right now I'm rubbing my tired eyes and listening to Bob Dylan. It really astounds me how many songs the guy has written. Finally, one legendary musician who has never really gone off the deep end. I really appreciate that he's always been a what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of guy. And I do love his songs. I just wanted to share that with you. :)

In other news, I had a pretty great fourth of July. Honestly, I've had better, but aside from all the disappointments--too much rain, lame fireworks, and a disgusting abundance of mosquitoes--it was a fun and relaxing day. We got in a pretty enjoyable game of volleyball too. And of course, my favorite part was the sparklers. They are m-a-g-i-c-a-l.

This could be the most incoherent blog post I've ever written, but I'm quite happy with it. Haha. Before I'm finished, I need to share my very random tips of the day:

If you are looking to buy a great digital camera, buy this one.

If you're looking for a new granny smith apple dip, try this if you haven't before.

If you're looking for something to do when you're bored, this this. It should keep you busy for a while...

If you're looking to buy a dog, don't buy this breed.

Have a wonderful day. :)

Praise

I fall short in giving God the glory. I fail to praise him, day in and day out, especially in my struggles and pain. On the cloudy days, I don't look to the heavens--instead I hang my head and fear that God has forgotten me.

I woke up this morning at 4:38am. I sat up and rubbed my eyes for a moment before I noticed something. I peered out my window. It was still dark enough outside to be night, but light enough to be morning as well. It felt comforting to some degree, and unexplainably calming to be there, watching as night turned to day--seeing the light gradually penetrating the darkness all around me.

But what really caught my attention was what I heard.
It sounded as if every bird on every branch of every tree in my neighborhood was singing his heart out, and all in perfect harmony. They sounded so joyful and full of hope.

And now, of course, the culmination of all my thoughts.
If a lark can sing praises to my Father in the darkness when light is only peeking through, and glorify his maker with all the song he has in his lungs, why do I stand still and silent when a storm comes my way? And instead of praising him for the light that pierces the darkness, I close my eyes tightly and refuse to hold on to hope, in fear of being let down.

God, give me the faith of that lark--to believe without any doubt that God will shine through my dark times, and provide what I need, whether it be night or morning. And God, oh God, help me to sing.

The Worrisome Heart

^"This is what the LORD says:
'Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.
He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."
The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
"I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve."

Jeremiah 17:5-10

My eyelids flittered open this morning and my worrisome heart began pounding again. I can feel the ache--it is tired of being anxious. I have come to a place, a place that is necessary for us all to be at some point. A point of being humbled, and realizing that I am not the only person that matters. That being selfish and always wanting more is not going to gain me anything. I feel small, and often times insignificant when I think about all the things I haven't yet accomplished, or all the ways I fall short of the world's expectations.

And I am so tearfully overwhelmed when I say that God is working through these weaknesses. I cry out in agreement and relief when I read Paul's words to the church in Corinth: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

And with a wisdom that only comes from my Father, I have found what seems to be the root of my problem. Worry is not healthy, and it is not right. It yanks my heart away from clinging to God and slowly causes it to fray. I start depending on myself and ignore the fact that my God is sovereign.

"Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

But oh, that I were one who trusts wholeheartedly in the Lord and holds to His promises!

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him."

The Lord is good. He is faithful. And I can feel him working in my heart. I can feel myself surrendering and giving everything I have to him. It's just taking time to lay things down and trust that he will provide all that I need. I am coming to that place of peace, where I can be still and trust God without having worrisome thoughts that cloud my mind. I am a work in progress.

"He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

I long to be that tree--one doesn't fear when trouble comes, but trusts in the Lord to be faithful.

"Then I said, 'I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.'

I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?

You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples."

Psalm 77:10-14

My worrisome heart has found comfort.