On My Knees

No one likes admitting when they're wrong. I hate it.
I hate feeling like I'm less of a person. I hate the awkwardness of hearing someone pinpoint my weaknesses, my errors, and all the things I need to improve. I hate trying to accept that.

But hard as I try to deny the things that I constantly forget to do and say, and the things that my spirit lacks, what I really need to do is recognize my failures and admit them.

So here I am. I'm ready.
And I need someone to hear me say this.

I can only think of a fraction of all the nodding heads that will agree--I am awful. I am pathetic. I am unbelievably self-centered. I am a woman who very often lacks whole-hearted compassion and seldom gives with everything that is in my being. I bask in pride and so easily tune out the cries of the people around me. I feel I have forsaken the ones I love the most. I am so lowly. I am nothing.

It is my deep sorrow that I should come to this point--to plead for the forgiveness of those who I have, and often continue to hurt, sometimes unknowingly, and sometimes very consciously. To those whom I have brought pain upon: though I know I constantly fall short, I seek nothing more than your love, forgiveness, and mercy. I am so sorry for who I have been. I pray that God would grant me his grace and shower me in his wisdom love, that I can be a woman of God who serves Him, and his children, with my whole heart, and who takes not one glance at myself, but longs to stand in His presence and glorify who he is all of my days.

I am on my knees. God take all of me. Transform me.

The Lord Hears

I'm sitting here at the kitchen table this morning with goosebumps on my arms because of the breeze coming through the open window. It's quite a change from last night, going to bed feeling like my body was burning. Here goes yawn number four. My body's still making up its mind about whether or not it would like to wake up. It's screaming for some coffee.

My mind is like a dryer again this morning, tossing around my thoughts like damp, mismatched socks. This is a common feeling as of late with all the decisions I've had to make and all the things I've had to get done--not to mention having to prepare for the huge road ahead that I am about to venture out upon. College is exciting and intimidating at the very same.

With all these damp socks, my mind is sore, exhausted, and needs some refreshment. Thank you to everyone who offered their sincere encouragement and love to me for the sake of that last blogpost. I want to share a Psalm that someone shared with me. I have cried my way through it a few times in happiness and in amazement at how perfect it is during this time in my life.

Psalm Thirty Four

"I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.

Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!

The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see good?

Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.

Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.

The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.

Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.

The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned."