The Culprits Of Chagrin

I wrote this short poem today in my frustration regarding finals. Go figure. Thinking about the neon signs of frustration branded across everyone's foreheads, the marks of nervousness and anxiety evident in each person's mood, and each and everyone's clear yearning to be home with family and friends--it has all made me realize something we're all forgetting... God's goodness, even in chaos. I hope this is a little encouraging.

(I also received a letter from my dear friend Allison today, in which was enclosed an index card with a passage from Psalm 62. This was part of my inspiration as well.)

Only a few more days friends. We can make it. :)


Today, anxieties tickle our doorsteps.
They rap with an agonizing impatience.
And our eyes clamp tightly with a grimace.
But we will not let them in.
We remain quiet. Still. 
And we continue on.

The culprits of chagrin have found us.
Their fingernails claw at our doors
with a yearning to enter. 
But we will not let them in. 
We remain quiet. Still. 
And we continue on.

As worry fevers our minds,
frustration escapes our hearts.
Our emotions ebb and flow,
and disaster does it's best to writhe it's way in.
But we will not let it in.
We remain quiet. Still.
And we continue on.

The delirium and confusion rage.
But somehow we have found peace.
Can it be so? 
Oh Lord, our God it is you.
Oh our soul's glory, it is You.
You are our rock.
Your peace and joy
delight our hearts.
And we will let them in.
But we remain quiet. Still.
And in silence we continue on.
For our hope is from You.

A Short Break From Mental Torture

I've taken a five minute break from studying for tomorrow's finals. And I'm taking the opportunity to answer this bunch of questions. Fun or not, it's better than the endless mental torture I've been suffering...

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate?

Well, I've never been a huge egg nog fan, but it might be about time for me to give it another chance.
However, currently dark hot chocolate is my favorite. :)

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?

What's a present if it's not wrapped?

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?

I think white lights make a tree so much more elegant. And give ornaments a brighter glow. But I love colored lights all the same.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?

Me? I don't hang it personally. Haha, maybe in the future...

5. When do you put your decorations up?

Well, college has changed things a little bit, but our decorations generally go up soon after Thanksgiving.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?

Mashed Potatoes. Or pie. I love pie.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? Singing "Silent Night" by candlelight with our entire church on Christmas Eve. Sitting alone late that same night just staring in wonder at the magical lights on the Christmas tree. Falling asleep on the couch by the tree and crackling fireplace. Waking up on Christmas morning with a fresh, sparkling blanket of white snow covering every inch of my world. The tense excitement sitting through breakfast with family and waiting impatiently to rip open presents. Smelling the snow and pine trees outside. Sledding. And last but not least, f-a-m-i-l-y together.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?

I don't remember ever not knowing. But I pretended he was real just the same. It was too much fun.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?

Heavens no.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?

Nine feet of green. Any lights we can find. And the wondrous conglomeration of ornaments we've collected over the years. Decorating the tree, combined with great holiday music is probably my favorite pre-Christmas activity.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?

I'm from Chicago. Seven months of it during the year and I should hate it, but it's impossible. I love it. Every bit. (Even awful slush.)

12. Can you ice skate?

Mmhmm.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Honestly, I don't. But Christmas is no longer presents to me.

14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you?

Family. Peace. Love. But ultimately it begins with a manger...

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?

My grandma's sugar cookies.Or a Sara Lee fruit pie with vanilla icecream.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?

I'm not sure. I guess just having family over for the holidays and spending quality time together. Usually "tradition" lies in going to the Christmas Eve candlelight service together, staying up late having wonderfully deep conversations with one another, waking up and having Christmas breakfast, opening presents, having more wonderful conversations, preparing and eating Christmas dinner, then watching funny movies together into the evening by a toasty fire. :)

17. What tops your tree?

An angel. It's been the same angel as far back as I can remember.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?

I love giving. I wish I had more to give. Lacking the money to give good presents peeves me.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song?

I love traditional Christmas carols. Especially "O Little Town of Bethlehem," "What Child Is This?" and "The Friendly Beasts." Among my other favorites are "Babe In The Straw" by Leigh Nash, "Jingle Bells" by Frank Sinatra, and "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee. I also love Amy Grant's and Michael W. Smith's Christmas albums. I listen to them over and over during the holidays.

20. What is your favorite Christmas movie?

I'm easy to please when it comes to Christmas movies. A few of my favorites? Probably White Christmas, Elf, and A Charlie Brown Christmas. Among so many others.

21 Favorite Christmas show?

Huh?

22. Saddest Christmas song?

Probably "The Christmas Shoes." As cheesy as it is...

Celebrating More Than Tastefully Decorated Cookies

The Glory To Be Revealed Within Me

Today I sat reading and reflecting on one of my favorite chapters of the bible, Romans 8 (I've italicized the verses that have spoken to be the most). Oh, what I have forgotten about my God. That he is good. Loving. Gracious. Gentle. Just. Soverign. Great.

I still need the reminder that I am small. Oh Lord, keep me humble.

Life Through the Spirit

¹Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ²because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. ³For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, ⁴in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.  ⁵Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; ⁷the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. ⁸Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
 ⁹You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. ¹⁰But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. ¹¹And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.
 ¹²Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. ¹³For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, ¹⁴because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. ¹⁵For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." ¹⁶The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. ¹⁷Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Future Glory

 ¹⁸I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. ²⁰For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.  ²²We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? ²⁵But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
 ²⁶In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. ²⁷And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

More Than Conquerors

 ²⁸And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.  ³¹What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³²He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶As it is written:

   "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What I Never Gave

I wasn't there.
And I know it wasn't my absence that cut you.
But rather the daunting tangibility of my neglect.
I never tried to be a friend.
I never tried. 
Oh the pain of realization.
Grief seared black upon my soul.
Somewhere along the path I forgot how to be
sincere.
I forgot about the heart.
And that mine does not beat alone.
Can I take it back
--what I never gave?
Instead of extending
my disregard?
I remember my heart's
ache to be with you. 
But looking back,
I never tried.
I'm sorry.

The Hard Way

I am accustomed to this bitter taste now.

Somewhere I feel I'm still holding on.
I've never had to let a friend go.
Before.
You seem lost to me now.
But memories come as a flood.
I wish I could change everything back with two words.
Would two words do it?
Could they?
I'm sorry. 





How is it the memories
of mistakes we've made
escape some days?
But oh when they come,
They cut deeper than the wounds
We first inflicted.
They make us learn
The hard way.
Oh, the hard way.

We wish we had been different.
Well we are different now.
Starting over is a lot to ask for,
With memories flowing through our veins.
Memories like venom.
And we long for time to turn its heel,
So we can do things right.
But we can't.

We can turn our heads in retrospect,
But we can only go from here.

More Footnotes

To anyone who's wondering--I wasn't finished earlier. I have more footnotes. And I'll probably think up more after I post these too. Lucky you. Haha.

6. I believe that every man should write a poem for his wife. Or a song. No matter how awful he thinks it is. And it may just be my opinion, but I think that's one of the most romantic things ever. No matter how cheesy it may seem. That's all. :)

7. I have decided that I will not let myself be a grumpy and irritating old woman. I will be perfectly happy, even with sagging arms and wrinkles up the whazoo. Believe me, I'm gonna have fun.

8. I think pretzels may very well be one of the best foods on God's green earth. In any way shape or form (unless there's some gross manner in which they can be prepared that I am blindly unaware of) doesn't change the fact that they are simply amazing. The end.

9. I've developed a recent obsession with scarves. Didn't realize how phenomenal they truly are. And I felt the need to point that out.

10. My roommate just informed me of her great yearning to paint again. Well, amen sister.

Footnotes Of Sorts

Today I have decided upon a number of things.

1. One of my aims in life: to make my future home look as neat, tidy, and inspiring as the one's you find in an IKEA catalog. Yes, it's a quite irrational goal, but I can still dream.

2. I want to own a dog. A rather big dog (or perhaps moderately sized). One that doesn't smell awful (or that I can at least tolerate). And one that will lick my face to wake me up in the morning. Which would also require decent smelling breath. I'm asking a lot of a dog. I suppose this wish is a little more practical, but still somewhat futile.

3. I will never never never ever ever become a pack rat. I am far too obsessive compulsive. It's true. I clean out my closet a minimum of once a year and throw/give away anything that I never use, or that I know I never will. I am no friend of clutter.

4. Books are simply wonderful. If I could spend my money on any one thing it would be books. And furthermore what is fabulous--it would be no waste of money. Reckless? Yes. Rash? Of course! Stupid? Well, no. I can't say that is is. Books are simply wonderful, and there's nothing else to it. I can't wait to have my own library of them. :)

5.  I have come to the conclusion that I do, in fact, miss snow. It sounds like a bunch of huey--I know--coming from a northern girl, but it's true. I can't take this one-inch-at-a-time stuff. I need feet, people! I think hearing from people who have never had a white Christmas has truly saddened me and makes me appreciate all that my home brings. Although I have to clarify--as much as I love snow during winter, I believe no winter should last longer than 5 months. Once it reaches that milestone and goes beyond, it's pretty much ridiculous.

Don't Be Far Away Tonight

Maybe those reading have noticed--that when I'm exhausted, and my brain can't pump out anything productive, I result to song lyrics. (1) Because many times the lyrics already express perfectly what I'm feeling, and (2) BECAUSE I'M EXHAUSTED.

I think I've actually already posted these lyrics in the past. But I needed them now. And I'm grateful that God used them to comfort me all over again.

"Freedom comes in the morning time,
as the sun begins to shine on my face.
And even in the dark I'm not alone.
You guide me by the hand.
You won't let go.
And I know you'll carry me when I can't walk.

And you can shake the mountains with a whisper.
And you, you speak,
and I fall at your feet again.

You burned the chains off of my feet
that held me to the ground.
You let me rise.
Don't ever let me come back down,
or even live a day apart from you.
'Cause you lifted me higher than my doubts and fears.

And you can shake the mountains with a whisper.
And you, you speak,
and I fall at your feet.
And you are so beautiful.
And I am so in love with you.
You, you lead and I will follow close behind.

Now I'm waiting here for you,
and don't be far away tonight.
Lead me to the place where I can go and find rest
'Cause I'm so tired.
And now let me feel your breath on my face.

And you can shake the mountains with a whisper.
And you, you speak,
and I fall at your feet.
And you are so beautiful.
And I am so in love with you.
You, you lead and I will follow close behind."

Nineteen Ninety Four

I love having a twin brother.

And I wouldn't change it for the world.

The Gift Of Silence

This year has been a hard year. And I know the following photo has absolutely nothing to do with the Christmas season. But it's harboring a blog post that's been aching in my mind for a while.

In April of this year, I came across this road. It was very early in the morning on a somewhat overcast day. The skies were still deciding on a shade of blue. And I had a little time on my hands. So I let my tires tread down roads I'd never been. While singing my heart out on my peaceful drive, I turned in my thoughtful trance to my right, just in time to see this road escape my view. My heart spun. I stopped the car and turned around. It was paralyzing, the feeling I felt. And even my photo did not capture the serenity I felt as I rolled down the bumpy dirt path. Over the hill to my right was a simple farmhouse, peppered with tawny brown bricks. And down the hill from it, a crimson barn, which seemed to sway to and fro with the lush grass that cleaved to it's frame. Both structures lay neatly accentuated by the brilliant sunrise. A little further on my left, bordered by flawless wrought iron fences, lay a cemetery, still sparkling in the morning dew.

I stopped the car and burst into tears. I still remember the song that was playing. Leigh Nash's "Just A Little."

The details of my week will remain ambiguous, but needless to say, God had chosen the perfect moment to bless me with a few moments of peace, quiet, and true tranquility. And he had brought me to a place of genuine comfort. I reveled in his gift of silence.

I still go back to the road sometimes. I've had a few car rides driving home in tears, overwhelmed by God's goodness, his protection, his peace, his grace, his mercy, his faithfulness, and his love, his love that leaves me speechless.

Neighbors

Two makes a couple.
She was a couple before.
This is her second try.
But this time is no easier.
He is kind. Sweet.
But uninvolved.
Indifferent.
And she is raising a couple.
Her daughter has made her
a grandparent.
Their house is painted with
a facade of optimism.
But within lies a family divided,
In despair.
Dissonance.


Two makes a couple.
She, with two jobs,
aching for retirement
--distant but in sight.
He, waning quickly with age.  
Parkinson's.
But the nights are peaceful for them.
Their home is not cold.
They meet their challenges with patience.
Perseverance.


Two makes a couple.
Young grandparents.
Two lawn chairs resting on the drive.
Ah, with levity. With mirth,
They observe the world's hustle and bustle.
They watch it with pleasure,
Reveling in it's simplicity.
And anticipating the grandchildren that reside across the street.
For them, neighbor and family are one.
As it should perhaps always be.
Harmony.


Two makes a couple.
A lifetime has gone by.
But they are still newlyweds.
Senescence wears hard.
Unhurried are the days.
They are quiet.
Tranquil.
An ambulance comes.
No breath escapes her lungs.
She suffocates in wait.
But softly come sweet words to her ears.
Not yet, she says. Not yet.
And soon they are two again.
Unified.

This poem all started with one photo.
The house across the street.
For some reason seeing it made me want to write about the people on my street.
It's a very bittersweet poem to me.

Where Did It Go?

It's December first. H-O-L-Y C-O-W. What happened? Where has this year gone? Unbelievable.
I was going to copycat my dear friend Brian. He is taking a new holiday photo every day until Christmas (so excited!). Instead I plan on continuing to share some pictures I've already taken. This may possibly, just... maybe... have something to do with the fact that my camera battery is dead, and the day is almost done, so my chance for a photo is... nearly... g-o-n-e.

Plus, as an additional excuse, I would like to add this...

The south hasn't exactly shown me the "winter" that I'm used to, so I'm not sure how festive my photos would be if I did take any new ones. However, I'll try to throw in a few new ones here and there. :)

Since today marks the first day of the last month of the year, I'll start with a festive photo from last year. :)
I'm away at college, which unfortunately means, my Christmas tree did not go up on the December first this year. I'm missing the majority of the decorating. But I'll get to help put up the tree when I get back to the snowy bitterly cold midwest. Yessss. Here's my lovely {fake} Christmas beauty. The photograph is a little blurry. But my heart still skips a beat when I see it. I can't wait to be home. :)

Southie & Sunshine

Here's two snapshots for the evening. Morning now I suppose. Night happened a long time ago. :)

The first is a snapshot I consider to be the photo that made me feel like I could truly be a photographer. That I could really pursue a career and be good at it. Not that I'm quite pursuing that career yet, or that I necessarily will. But it motivated me a little, and encouraged me to continue the hobby that I love. :)
This photo was taken on July 4th, 2008 in a field of clover in beautiful Bartlett. The sun was beaming, and this bee was on his way to pollinate yet another lucky flower.

The next photo is, simply, home. Not the home you're thinking. This is our old street in Southie, in the dead of winter, the snow melting over the streets in front of each quaint little brownstone house. This is truly home to me. So many fond memories of childhood, and a deep longing to return.

Mirrors To The Soul

This was the first close-up photograph I ever took of an eye. This is the photo that pioneered my obsession with eyes. They have so much depth. I've heard somewhere that the eyes are the mirror to the soul. And I think I sort of agree. They often say more than words ever can.

Sharing Some Snapshots

I realize the only time I've ever shared any photos on this blog was my second post. And that was a good two years ago I believe. Time does fly. Now that I've noticed that, I'll probably take the time every so often to share a few of my favorite photos with you, and why they are special to me.

Let the fun begin!

The words "south" and "dakota" don't always bring a smile to everyone's face. Most people I know believe it's a flatland with no personality in it's landscape whatsoever. Wrong. This is just what people who have never actually been there tell you. Although most of the scenery on the east side of the state (and maybe the majority of the rest of the state as well) is just bumpy hills, there is a lot of beauty in them. Between the sunsets that highlight the horizon, and the blanket of stars reflected in the ponds situated between each rolling hill, South Dakota is a place of simple and elegant beauty.

My aunt and uncle made South Dakota their home last spring. And in the early summer I came out to visit. My twelve hour car ride was made tolerable only by naps, great conversations with my uncle, a camera with which to take photos, and a bundle of oldies CDs. And when we crept into Roslyn that night, with the orange sun peeking over the hills, I knew those twelve hours were well worth it. I just about died gazing at the beauty that God's creation held. Well, my camera did die.


This photo was one taken the night after I arrived in Roslyn. It's a snapshot of my aunt and uncle's barn.
For some reason it just seems to resonate "home" with me. It gives me a feeling of comfort and warmth, and sweetness and hope. I can't even explain why, but I love it.


I keep this picture in my bible, usually embedded between the pages of the Psalms. I use it as a reminder of the peace, comfort, warmth, and continual hope that I find when I rest in my Father's arms.


I'm glad I could share it with you. :)
Love, Lydia

Just Because

I usually blog with some blatant point to get across. Today, I feel like blogging just because. Right now I'm blogging for a few "just becauses." Just because--I have a pretty hefty research paper due after this short break comes to a close, and I feel like procrastinating for a few more minutes. Just because--I'm on break! Just because,--a beautiful fall day in the south inspires blogging much moreso than a writing a paper.

And just because--
I need to thank God.
For all the ways he has been good to me.
For all the ways he has blessed me.
For all the things he has given me.
For all the things I don't deserve and receive anyway.

I'm constantly reminded how many meaningless things I center my life around. I focus on the things that make me want more--that make me restless and continually unsatisfied--instead of rejoicing in the good and beautiful things that God has blessed me with. I've come to realize how incessant I am--I never stop! I never stop finding ways to be discontented. I never stop finding things I "need." I never stop just to be still. I never stop to enjoy things anymore. There's always something better that I need to attain.

And I have to keep reminding myself that I'm never going to get it all. There will always be something more. For the rest of my life, there will always be "a better life." There will always be "a better me." But if I don't stop wishing for the things I don't have, I'll never be happy with what I do have. It's all pretty black and white I suppose. But always easier said than done. I have a lot of progress to make. 

To end--a great quote from the Greek stoic philosopher Epictetus:

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."

Huh. I guess I made a point after all.

Mortal

Tea is beyond that word we call "soothing." I think it is almost a consolation. That is, if it is a well brewed cup of tea. It reassures the soul that life is, in fact, okay. And that in our state of being lost in ourselves and uncertain of which direction is north, we can still trust that God is holding our little piece of the world together, whether it feels like it's by threads or not.

Today in drinking tea,
I had the privilege of staring out the window before me and daydreaming.
With Bon Iver pervading my senses, things were quite peaceful and relaxing.
I noticed three birds in a barren tree. My thoughts spun a little.
And naturally, a little poetry emerged.

A leafless tree.

Stark. Shivered in the wind.

As the sun pulled the mountains over his head,

the bare tree's crimson luster faded.

His branches trembled.

His gnarled fingers unfolded.

Shudders gripped his limbs,

and each bird, which had been pressed so neatly to his breast

yielded to the air.

Winter had made a crafty entrance.

He had beguiled every sapling,

teasing them with his subtle chill.

And they had swallowed his deception.

Then, betrayal.

Winter's torment met each mortal

with a bitter frost.

Cold gusts of wind

whispered about the forlorn tree.

But each bird about him nestled closer,

They draped over his shoulders,

consoling his bones.

Winter reveled in the havoc he wreaked.

But he could feel the the spring
snapping at his heels,

harassing his senses
with verdant blossoms.

Oh Susannah

Dear Susannah,

Tonight, you made

your grand entrance.

We waited patiently for this day,

and now our love brims over.

We have long anticipated

your tender face, and now

your rosy cheeks

and fragile features

leave us speechless.

We have waited to hear your

little cry, and now we marvel

at it's might. 

And here you are.

Welcome to this new world. :)

The Wait

Our faces kiss the doors.

As breath escapes lungs,

excitement suffocates the air.

At last, our colors bustle through the portico.

We flit about on tiptoes.

Missing

Leaving is not the hardest part. Neither is getting used to a new environment. Making the world around me a familiar place is not hard. Nurturing new friendships is, challenging yes, but not necessarily hard. Learning how to grow in my faith and being challenged to live consciously as a Christian and reflect Christ through my actions daily--that is difficult.

But perhaps for me, the hardest thing in the process of transition is missing what I used to know. Everything that I held dear, and yet took for granted because it was normal. Because it was routine. Because it was just life. It's so hard to understand what it is that causes us to lessen the meaning of the things most dear to us. To be numb and unable to realize the true value that things have until we lose them. Or, in this case, are truly separated from them for a time.

I was so ready to leave home. I don't know many teenagers who aren't ready to be on their own. And I know the passion to be independent is so strong when we're young. I know that passion--to prove to the world who we are, and the potential we have. But if I can say anything in hopes of making an impact on my generation, especially those right behind me--don't live in the mindset that you're already gone. Take time to enjoy everything around you. Don't take for granted the advice you receive, no matter how much you want to tune it out. Don't take lightly the friendships you have--the effort you put into maintaining friendships says volumes of your commitment to anything. Don't believe that the only true friends you'll ever have are the ones that you meet when you're on your own. The way you look at friendships now is the way you'll see them when you're on your own as well.

College won't make you a completely different person. You will grow. You will be challenged. But you will still be you.

One semester cools you down quite a bit. Wisdom kicks in and you finally realize the reality of your responsibility, and time, and finally what true independence is. Yes, it's humbling. It's frustrating when that time comes, and you realize everything you've wasted, and the meaning that every piece of advice you were ever given holds. Everything becomes crystal clear. As hard as it is to get to that place of realization, it is also where we take hold of our responsibilities and our maturity grows.

It is important to remember that things won't change magically without making a hard effort. If you sit back and relax, things in the future will be exactly as they are now. If you want to see changes in yourself, and accomplish certain things, that starts now. You are who you are becoming.

In missing the things I used to know, I am learning how to cherish and take advantage of all the wisdom and advice that I am being offered at college. This is more than just teachers and classes. This is more than just bible studies and weekly prayer meetings. This is being confronted with hard things. This is being challenged to live in a manner worthy of Christ. This is learning how to pray, how to listen, how to encourage, how to speak, how to walk, how to be still, and ultimately how to love. This is a time that will transform who you are for the rest of your life.

I know that I will miss it when it has come and gone. But instead of having to come to the realization that I missed out on things and took for granted the opportunities I had to learn, I want to look back and treasure the things I have taken away from college. To see all the ways I've grown and all the things I've learned, and to smile at who I have become, but more importantly, all the ways God is working in my life, and who he still working in.

I don't want to miss out on who I'm becoming.

An Innocent Jealousy

The moon lay still
against his starlit quilt,
and on his face,
a forlorn look appeared.

The ground below lay silent,
no inch untouched
by his desolate light.

As he mournfully watched,
each blade of grass
shed a tear for the sleeping sun.

His cold grey face grew solemn,
as a innocent jealousy arose.

For each piercing drop of dew
in the corners of their eyes
bled dry his dignity.

“Oh! What grievance
do I merit,” said he,
“That the sun hold a
more noble rank in the heavens?”

“For we were made
but with one intention--
to illuminate each moment.
He to ignite the day,
and I to enliven the night.”

The Sun

When the sun awakes,
gold meets every face.

When the sun blushes,
a symphony of smiles appears.

When the sun speaks,
our eyes stir and enliven dreams.

When the sun hides,
we only search for the corner of his smile again.

When the sun rubs his sleepy eyes,
we stand speechless.

His painted array crowns the skies.

And when the sun lays down his head,
we feel the draft of darkness.

We meet the disconcerting chill of nightfall,
But then the moon awakes.

The Pursuit

Today was one of those days. One of those days when you stop running. And you realize you've been running so long you've forgotten what you're running from. And you look behind you, and before you know it, emotions have caught up with you. And then everything, every piece of everything you ever held on to, becomes overwhelming and frightening. Like it's all wrong. You thought everything fit, but now it's fallen apart, and you don't even know where to start to picking up the pieces. You're so broken you don't know how to heal.


Perhaps you've been running, against the wind, bitten by fear and scared to look back. When the Lord pursues you, it can be frightening, and everything in you says "don't look back." You're traveling down the lonely road, because you've decided you could take everything upon yourself with ease. Pretending that being in control of your own life would be best, and that God need only be there for your disposal. You want to be "big" for a change.

Sooner or later, you'll figure it out. That God will pursue you until your feet are ragged from running away from him, whether you're looking back or not. He won't stop. And his pursuit is in love--to show us that when we do make mistakes, when we stumble and fall, he hasn't forgotten us. He is ready to forgive our sins, and pick us up and hold us close. It's at those points, when we see how ragged our feet are, that we realize our need to stop running, and cling to our heavenly Father. In his unconditional love.

And perhaps what we forget the most is that His pursuit is constant. We can never fall beyond where he can reach us. And we are always in His hands.

The Lies I Weave

I know it burdens my heart each time,
But I need to hear it. Please say it?

Hearing nothing would make my ego soar.
But I need both feet on the ground.

Your words are hard to take,
But not taking them to heart would be foolish.

I'm blind to the pain I cause.
Tell me what wounds I've inflicted,
And what holes I've dug.










Find me and humble me--
for I'm buried beneath rubble.
All that surrounds me are the lies I weave.

I have sown seeds of sorrow.
And now I weep.
Your loyalty finds me in tears of grief.
It's a humbling love, that you show me.

You've torn me apart, now I plead to be new.
Rebuild me.
My heart kneels to you now.

And I can't get away from your love.

The Lonely Mountain

Today marks the second to last day of fall break. Like the rest of the semester, it's gone by too fast. Four days ago, I got a letter from a friend. This letter contained a list of things to accomplish over my break, since I was staying at Covenant while all the people around me were headed back to home sweet home. "Okay," I said. "I can do this." And so it began. Some things were easy for me--taking a photo every day, spending quality time with my brother, watching movies. Then came number four: write lots of poems.

I spent a handful of lonely nights sitting on my futon trying to pull ideas from every corner of my imagination. Nothing. I was confused. The few weeks before, ideas flowed out of my head like water from a fountain, and now my fountain had run dry. Finally, yesterday, at 2:00am, I sat down and stared at my blank computer screen. Then I typed slowly: "Write a poem."

I looked at it puzzled for a moment. And then thoughts started to flow again. My inspiration had come from something I would never have thought of--my lack of inspiration. Was it possible?
Even if it wasn't, I kept going with the flow.

As I wrote out the words, all I could think about was the friends that I missed--not just from Covenant, but also back home. The lack of everyone around me made me crumble into the loneliness of reality.

By now, it was 3:00am, and my words were finally a complete trove of feelings. At that moment, a song came on: Hello Seattle (Remix) by Owl City. I would have thought nothing of it at any other time, but this timing happened to be perfect. As the last words flowed from my head, the piano melody began. And I sat in awe, as the melody playing began to match each word from my poem.

It was 3:30am, but for the next hour, I worked on putting my words to the music and making a video. I finished it at 4:45am. I was too excited for words as I put it on youtube, and even texted a few friends to share my excitement. For me, this was the climax of my hard work, and I was praying that my friends would find the same excitement as they listened to it the following morning.

I went to bed praying that they would realize the depth and meaning that I had given each word.
Morning came, and I awoke to find several encouraging comments on my video. I was relieved to find that I what I had intended to make meaningful and deep had come across exactly that way.

Here is the video:

And here is the poem:

"Write a poem."
"It wouldn't be so hard," she said.
"But I've lost my inspiration."
"They're all gone. All of them.
And now the grass no longer has any color.
The skies, no birds.
The sun and his golden rays are here.
I see them.
But his warmth is so distant, so far away.
The symphony of the mountain is now gone.
It is but an empty staff.
And I am only one note.
I cannot make a melody alone.
So I await their return."

Painted Faces

Autumn’s aroma is a perfume.

We anticipate its arrival but it sneaks in

before the leaves can paint their faces.

Crisp breezes weave through the air.

Trees’ branches reach to embrace

the apples that lay dormant at their feet.

Our nights are havens for the stars, which burn brightly in our eyes

as we wonder at the magic of the changing seasons.

And autumn brings us to a calm middle ground.

It shakes our fears of winter.

Take Me To Depths I've Never Been

These lyrics have been my prayer and song lately. They have helped bring me back to the Lord. Throughout life's complications and all the struggles that I go through, even when the sky is falling, I can rest in the knowledge that my Savior is sovereign and that he is where he has always been. And he cares for me constantly.

"Lord, You know how much I want to know so much in the way of answers and explanations. I have cried and prayed
and still I seem to stay in the middle of life’s complications.
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind,
but now it’s brought me back to You and I can see again.

This is everything I want, this is everything I need.
I want this to be my one consuming passion!
Everything my heart desires, Lord, I want it all to be for You!
Jesus, be my magnificent obsession!

So capture my heart again. Take me to depths I’ve never been.
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy.
Return me to the cross and let me be completely lost
in the wonder of the love that You’ve shown me.
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things.
Let all my dreams fall to the ground until this one remains.

You are everything I want, You are everything I need.
I want You to be my one consuming passion!
Everything my heart desires, Lord, I want it all to be for You!
I want it all to be for You!

You are everything I want and You are everything I need!
Lord, You are all my heart desires. You are everything to me!"

On My Knees

No one likes admitting when they're wrong. I hate it.
I hate feeling like I'm less of a person. I hate the awkwardness of hearing someone pinpoint my weaknesses, my errors, and all the things I need to improve. I hate trying to accept that.

But hard as I try to deny the things that I constantly forget to do and say, and the things that my spirit lacks, what I really need to do is recognize my failures and admit them.

So here I am. I'm ready.
And I need someone to hear me say this.

I can only think of a fraction of all the nodding heads that will agree--I am awful. I am pathetic. I am unbelievably self-centered. I am a woman who very often lacks whole-hearted compassion and seldom gives with everything that is in my being. I bask in pride and so easily tune out the cries of the people around me. I feel I have forsaken the ones I love the most. I am so lowly. I am nothing.

It is my deep sorrow that I should come to this point--to plead for the forgiveness of those who I have, and often continue to hurt, sometimes unknowingly, and sometimes very consciously. To those whom I have brought pain upon: though I know I constantly fall short, I seek nothing more than your love, forgiveness, and mercy. I am so sorry for who I have been. I pray that God would grant me his grace and shower me in his wisdom love, that I can be a woman of God who serves Him, and his children, with my whole heart, and who takes not one glance at myself, but longs to stand in His presence and glorify who he is all of my days.

I am on my knees. God take all of me. Transform me.

The Lord Hears

I'm sitting here at the kitchen table this morning with goosebumps on my arms because of the breeze coming through the open window. It's quite a change from last night, going to bed feeling like my body was burning. Here goes yawn number four. My body's still making up its mind about whether or not it would like to wake up. It's screaming for some coffee.

My mind is like a dryer again this morning, tossing around my thoughts like damp, mismatched socks. This is a common feeling as of late with all the decisions I've had to make and all the things I've had to get done--not to mention having to prepare for the huge road ahead that I am about to venture out upon. College is exciting and intimidating at the very same.

With all these damp socks, my mind is sore, exhausted, and needs some refreshment. Thank you to everyone who offered their sincere encouragement and love to me for the sake of that last blogpost. I want to share a Psalm that someone shared with me. I have cried my way through it a few times in happiness and in amazement at how perfect it is during this time in my life.

Psalm Thirty Four

"I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.

Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!

The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see good?

Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.

Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.

The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.

Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.

The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned."

Pardon My Lack Of Eloquence

Sometimes I really have nothing to say, but I go ahead and say it anyway.
Maybe that's a problem. I'm not sure.

My mind has been over innumerable roller coasters the past few weeks and I haven't even had the chance to sort out the thoughts that escaped in the process of flying over each bumpy hill. My head has been so jumbled--it's a struggle for me to think clearly each day and put together my constant to-do list. I think I my poor brain needs a rest. I should sneak a nap (so to speak) on that to-do list somewhere.

I seldom stop to be still. To be quiet. To rest. To just stop in the midst of my days and close my eyes and relax. And to meditate on God's word and his promises. For as a person as impatient, and ambitious, and active as I am, I shouldn't be surprised at how hard that is. But then again, I tend to surprise myself.

It's been a while since I've physically and emotionally ached this much. I am downright tired. So, instead of my offering you my usual advice (that is aside from telling you to take a break every once in a while and not get to the state I'm in), I'm asking for yours.

Yes, I said it.

I need advice, support, inspiration-- any spiritual tidbit that will lift my spirits and get me out of the dry, hot desert I'm in. I'm not looking for a life-changing speech, I just need encouragement.

I apologize for my lack of eloquence.
I'm at a loss for any further words.

Gloomy & Grey

The majority of my day was rather rainy, humid, and dull (at least weather wise). And I've noticed on these gloomy, grey days, my laziness points skyrocket. I woke up and shot out a few emails, worked on my resume, and edited a few photos, then plopped on the sofa with a book. After Tim woke up, our day became a movie marathon. I think we managed to fit in three after our lightning fast library run with Sam. So I'm a wee bit of a couch potato.

I think it's nice to have a lazy day once in a while.

My Day In Photos

It's really humid today. I'm sitting here in between the stages of "hot" and "ready to pass out." So not sure what the state of my mind is, or if it's suffering from the heat at all. I hope not. Today has been an interesting day, which could be summed up by a few things:

A bowl of this.

A nice hot one of these.

A few of these and maybe a little bit of this and this...

After that...this.

And more of this...

Which was more or less like this.

Then, home again to do something more enjoyable: this. :)

Which resulted in lots of these. :)

Now I'm doing this.

Which is making me do this.

That's my day so far. :)

Thoughts Like Socks In A Dryer

I'm making it my aim to write as often as I can.
Who knows if it will benefit me by any means, but I hope it changes your day in some small way.

Right now I'm rubbing my tired eyes and listening to Bob Dylan. It really astounds me how many songs the guy has written. Finally, one legendary musician who has never really gone off the deep end. I really appreciate that he's always been a what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of guy. And I do love his songs. I just wanted to share that with you. :)

In other news, I had a pretty great fourth of July. Honestly, I've had better, but aside from all the disappointments--too much rain, lame fireworks, and a disgusting abundance of mosquitoes--it was a fun and relaxing day. We got in a pretty enjoyable game of volleyball too. And of course, my favorite part was the sparklers. They are m-a-g-i-c-a-l.

This could be the most incoherent blog post I've ever written, but I'm quite happy with it. Haha. Before I'm finished, I need to share my very random tips of the day:

If you are looking to buy a great digital camera, buy this one.

If you're looking for a new granny smith apple dip, try this if you haven't before.

If you're looking for something to do when you're bored, this this. It should keep you busy for a while...

If you're looking to buy a dog, don't buy this breed.

Have a wonderful day. :)

Praise

I fall short in giving God the glory. I fail to praise him, day in and day out, especially in my struggles and pain. On the cloudy days, I don't look to the heavens--instead I hang my head and fear that God has forgotten me.

I woke up this morning at 4:38am. I sat up and rubbed my eyes for a moment before I noticed something. I peered out my window. It was still dark enough outside to be night, but light enough to be morning as well. It felt comforting to some degree, and unexplainably calming to be there, watching as night turned to day--seeing the light gradually penetrating the darkness all around me.

But what really caught my attention was what I heard.
It sounded as if every bird on every branch of every tree in my neighborhood was singing his heart out, and all in perfect harmony. They sounded so joyful and full of hope.

And now, of course, the culmination of all my thoughts.
If a lark can sing praises to my Father in the darkness when light is only peeking through, and glorify his maker with all the song he has in his lungs, why do I stand still and silent when a storm comes my way? And instead of praising him for the light that pierces the darkness, I close my eyes tightly and refuse to hold on to hope, in fear of being let down.

God, give me the faith of that lark--to believe without any doubt that God will shine through my dark times, and provide what I need, whether it be night or morning. And God, oh God, help me to sing.

The Worrisome Heart

^"This is what the LORD says:
'Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.
He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."
The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
"I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve."

Jeremiah 17:5-10

My eyelids flittered open this morning and my worrisome heart began pounding again. I can feel the ache--it is tired of being anxious. I have come to a place, a place that is necessary for us all to be at some point. A point of being humbled, and realizing that I am not the only person that matters. That being selfish and always wanting more is not going to gain me anything. I feel small, and often times insignificant when I think about all the things I haven't yet accomplished, or all the ways I fall short of the world's expectations.

And I am so tearfully overwhelmed when I say that God is working through these weaknesses. I cry out in agreement and relief when I read Paul's words to the church in Corinth: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

And with a wisdom that only comes from my Father, I have found what seems to be the root of my problem. Worry is not healthy, and it is not right. It yanks my heart away from clinging to God and slowly causes it to fray. I start depending on myself and ignore the fact that my God is sovereign.

"Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

But oh, that I were one who trusts wholeheartedly in the Lord and holds to His promises!

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him."

The Lord is good. He is faithful. And I can feel him working in my heart. I can feel myself surrendering and giving everything I have to him. It's just taking time to lay things down and trust that he will provide all that I need. I am coming to that place of peace, where I can be still and trust God without having worrisome thoughts that cloud my mind. I am a work in progress.

"He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

I long to be that tree--one doesn't fear when trouble comes, but trusts in the Lord to be faithful.

"Then I said, 'I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.'

I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?

You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples."

Psalm 77:10-14

My worrisome heart has found comfort.